


stay

by windastur (kaymono)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Inherited memories, Kissing, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Sad Porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:33:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29476284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaymono/pseuds/windastur
Summary: “I…” Armin stammers in his confusion. He could have sworn he was walking back to his own tent on the other side of their camp, the one he was sharing with… who was it again? “Sorry... Guess I was just reminded of a time when... Did we share a tent together as trainees or something?”In which Armin relives a memory that doesn't belong to him. Spoilers for events up to chapter 127.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Reiner Braun, Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover
Comments: 31
Kudos: 118





	stay

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I’ve wanted to write for a long time, and I finally found the resolve to do it, and the perfect canon moment for it to happen. I think this is a pretty upsetting read, but it has a bittersweet ending, I hope you will enjoy. Set around the events of chapter 127.

The night had been a whirlwind of emotions, and tensions were high in their newly formed alliance, and fight had broken out that lead to Armin holding back one friend to stop him killing the other. It was an eye-for-an-eye type deal to Jean, but Armin thought they’d already settled that trade off a long time ago without realising the truth of it, a result that left them in the situation they were in today. They’d all set up camp after that, using the few provisions the Scouts stowed away for long reconnaissance missions of days gone by, leaving the night to settle down, apologies left unspoken in the cool night air.

Armin had resolved to washing up their equipment in the nearby river, the bowls and utensils they were using could be returned to the emergency box they retrieved them from, but Armin wasn’t sure any of them would be seeing this island ever again considering the state of the world right now. He didn’t want to think about it, he didn’t want to think about the fate of the world and the responsibility he felt on his shoulders. He knew it wasn’t his fault, it wasn’t their fault, it wasn’t any single persons fault, but he still felt like all the moments in his life had lead up to this one, and how things might have been different if Eren never decided to stand up for him when they were kids.

He’s lost in thought, really. Not even noticing where he’s going before he’s pulling back the curtain of a tent, expecting to see Mikasa already asleep, or folding her jacket at the foot of her bed as she’s always done for years. But instead, he sees Reiner. He’s sat alone, looking up at Armin in the entryway, the other makeshift bed beside him empty, still folded as neatly as it was when they set up their camp earlier this evening. He’s looking better than when Armin saw him last, the bruises and blood on his face completely healed, and he’s wearing a clean shirt, but emotionally and physically, he looks drained.

“I…” Armin stammers in his confusion. He could have sworn he was walking back to his own tent on the other side of their camp, the one he was sharing with… who was it again? “Sorry... Guess I was just reminded of a time when... Did we share a tent together as trainees or something?” Armin attempts to pick up the pieces in his embarrassment.

Reiner contemplates him for a moment, a mix of emotions crossing his face that Armin interprets as nostalgia, before responding. “No, not… not me and you.” 

This has happened before but he’s embarrassed to be caught doing it. This memory doesn’t belong to him, and he wants to shut that door before he intrudes any further. He looks at Reiner briefly, nodding an apology before turning to leave, when he hears a quick rustle of fabric and a hand weakly grab at his sleeve.

“Wait… stay…” The voice is broken and cracks on the last syllable. He turns back to look at the man kneeling below him; holding himself up with one arm, the other clinging to Armin’s sleeve, his eyes focused on the ground where the canvas tent meets the grass between them. “I’m reminded of something too…”

When Armin looks at Reiner he is wearing the same look he was back then - the weight of responsibility is drowning him. One so full of fear but equally determined, one that matches the bravado of his younger self from Armin’s - no, Bertholdt’s - memories.

At that moment, it’s only a weak pull of his heart, but he can feel how much he misses Reiner. Whether he just misses the memory of him, or the man right in front of him, Armin isn’t sure. But seeing the man Armin once thought of as a role model of strength, submit to his own loneliness at Armin’s feet, he can’t help but push open the door of that memory a little wider.

He thinks about it; the cool winds whipping the fabric of the tent in the silence of the night, the aerial view of ruined buildings, the familiar, piney smell of his hometown. He thinks about where he - Bertholdt - was sitting, how his spine was bent to avoid hitting the walls of the tent, about the warmth of Reiner next to him. He thinks about what they were talking about that night.

Reiner just watches Armin sit down next to him and lean against his shoulder, and it’s almost like they’re experiencing a joint deja vu, in a weird way. Armin is nervous, and he can sense Reiner is too. He can feel his heart hammering in his own chest, but it’s different from the memory of facing down titans in battle. It feels really good to be close to Reiner again… or is this technically for the first time?

Reiner’s hands are tensed on his blanket, the same way they were four years ago. Armin knows that physical touch can trigger memories; he’s seen it happen with Eren and Historia, for the both of them. He’s suddenly feeling brave, wanting to relive the moment so badly, he tentatively brushes the hairs on the back of Reiners hand so gently with his fingertips - Reiner gasps like he has something caught in his throat, and there’s a lightning flash of memory in his mind.

There’s an ache in his chest and suddenly he’s missing a lot. He misses Liberio, the days of being a Warrior trainee, when life was simpler and the idea of inheriting the power of Colossal Titan was nothing more than a concept. He misses his father, he misses taking care of him, and his promise to see him off at the docks the day of his departure to Paradis, despite knowing he would be too fragile to leave his bed. He misses Annie, her ruthless endurance, his admiration of her own self worth, the wishing she would even look at him and acknowledge the connection she shares with him, as Warriors. He misses… _Marcel_? 

_Who is Marcel?_

Reiner reminds him of Marcel in a way that makes his heart pull in his chest and he feels sad all of a sudden.

He shakes himself out of that memory, trying not to pry, trying not to lose sight of the moment he was living, trying to forgive himself for stealing this one away for himself, and for Reiner. Because he looks like he needs it just as much as Armin does right now. 

So, why was he so nervous… haven’t they done this a million times before? Somehow it feels different to be alone with Reiner himself, as Armin. The hands in his memory are large and slender with delicate fingers that possess surprising strength. They fit in Reiners’ much more perfectly than his own, smaller hands with a broad palm and short fingers, but just the touch is enough to make his heart race.

He turns to look at Reiner now, and he looks like he’s on the verge of tears. Armin he wonders what kind of memory was unlocked for Reiner when they touched; A questioning look in his eyes, searching Armin’s blue ones for some kind of answer.

_‘Is it you… have you come back… do you remember me?’_

Armin remembers how Bertholdt moves his spare hand to cup Reiner’s cheek, and run a thumb along his once smooth jawline, now rough with stubble. A tear runs down Reiner’s cheek and it’s the same in his memory too.

“Sorry,” Reiner whispers, without making a move to swipe the tear from his cheek. Armin can guess why he’s apologising now, but he can’t remember what he was sorry for at the time.

Armin knew if he followed Bertholdt’s memories, and pressed his lips against the tear on Reiner’s cheek, that Reiner would turn his face to kiss him. 

He _hoped_ that he would.

So he did it.

Reiner doesn’t kiss him, but he does close his eyes, lost in the memory, he presumes.

So Armin decides to do what Bertholdt didn’t do very often and he makes the first move.

He guides Reiner’s jaw so his lips softly meet his own. Reiner’s new facial hair makes the memory slip away for a moment, so different from the very slight stubble he remembers in his mind’s eye. For now he’s just Armin, kissing a friend he missed so much in the four years they were apart.

He intended to be gentle, softly catching Reiner’s bottom lip between his own, but Reiner conjures up a different memory from the one atop the wall of his home town, one with much less sadness, under the covers of their old barracks, the smell of him so familiar and yet so different, being so close to Reiner again.

All at once Reiner laces their fingers together, bringing his other hand up to cup the back of Armin’s head. He presses his lips against his with an urgency that takes Armin by surprise, greedily chasing Armin’s lips with his own, at first biting softly, just nipping at his lips before becoming more desperate.

Armin opens his mouth and lets Reiner in, licking the roof of Armin’s mouth, the backs of his teeth, and equally letting his tongue explore Reiner too - the ridges of his molars, the scarred insides of his cheeks, baring the marks from years of titanic transformations, and Armin realises he wasn’t the only one with this reminder, the one wound that refused to heal. They’re both gasping too much, breathing into each others’ mouths, teeth clashing together.

It's so easy for Armin to see why Bertholdt fell in love with Reiner when he treats you like you could so easily be devoured, swallowed whole by his attention.

He's thinking hard, too hard as usual, about what happens next. What would usual happen when Reiner and Bertholdt found time for themselves. He doesn’t let himself into these memories often, even if they were simply flashes, seconds of a memory Armin couldn’t access on his own. The guilt of intruding on someones private time with their lover usually has Armin wallowing in self hatred, liable of shoving his hand down his trousers and imagining it belongs to Reiner, not himself. But Armin allows himself this once, to relive this memory for the other man, if not himself.

Moving his lips from Reiner’s mouth he began making his way down Reiner’s jaw, his neck, feeling his pulse quicken under his tongue and thinks about what Reiner likes. He pauses over a spot and lets Bertholdt guide him, the thick muscle on the side of Reiner’s neck twitches under his mouth in anticipate and Armin bites down.

Reiner whimpers and lets his hands shoot up to grip Armin’s forearms. He doesn’t remember Reiner being so loud, but he supposes they had other people in the bunks around them. Bertholdt would push a finger against Reiner’s gasping lips, whispering _'hush Reiner, don’t wake the others,’_ and so Armin says it too, thinking about their comrades in the tents surrounding theirs.

This made Reiner gasp again, at all the memories flooding back to him, just as Bertholdt’s are coming back to Armin too.

Armin is sure he knows by now. He has to know. 

But he doesn’t want to tell him. 

Just show him.

Armin licks over the bite marks he just left, soothing them with his tongue, noticing how there’s no steam pouring from his mark, as Reiner doesn’t instantly heal the wound he's left. His heart races as he thinks Reiner must like it enough to keep it.

Armin’s hand trails up Reiner’s side, hurrying to messily undo the buttons on his shirt, exposing his chest. The outside is cold, but the air inside the tent is getting stuffier by the moment, and Armin can feel the sweat on Reiner’s back as he struggles to pull his shirt off completely. There's more hair covering his body than in his memory and that seems to be a theme with Reiner. It suits him though, and like a voice in the back of his mind, Armin thinks Bertholdt would agree.

He continues his ministrations on Reiners neck, groping at his chest now, noticing how Reiner moves and under his attentive hands. Tracing the shape of his pecks with his fingers, trailing through the hair there, all while never sloppily kissing and mouthing at his neck. His fingers trail down further, closer towards Reiners nipples and Reiner makes a noise in the back of his throat swallowing back whatever he wants to say.

His hands that were gripping tightly onto Armin’s shoulders move to cup his jaw, tilting his head up to meet him in a messy kiss as Armin’s hands are free to brush over Reiner’s nipples, and gently catching them with his fingers, just once, has Reiner whimpering into his mouth, their kiss a crash of tongues and teeth, as Armin moans back against Reiner as he bites down on his bottom lip.

He knows what Reiner wants now, how desperate he is for this, moving to pinch his nipples between his thumb and forefinger and rolling them gently. Reiner back arches toward him impulsively at the sensation, he moves one hand away from his face and down to the small of his back, pulling the smaller man closer to him slotting their legs together.

Reiner emits a series of gravelly moans as their erections push together, back still arched from having his chest played with and they’re still kissing, always kissing. Armin feels as much as Reiner that they need to stay together like this not wanting to lose the memory that they’re both chasing, to escape the reality they’re living right now.

Armin's shirt is long gone now too, Reiner pushing it back off his shoulders, closing his eyes and kissing the skin there, so pale in comparison to the lover he was used to, but he kisses it all the same. With the same passion that Armin remembers, he’s sucking on a pressure point on his neck until its bruising, causing Armin to whimper pathetically, and it’s been so long since he’s been touched and desired this desperately. 

They’re moving to get impossibly closer, but their height difference means they’re misaligned in a way that the memory could never match - Armin is straining his neck up and Reiners is practically pressed against his chest, but it doesn’t matter. They kiss and rock together like it’s the end of the world, because it is, and they’re both trying to get back to something they lost; when the world was smaller and their problems felt simpler, when there was good and there was bad, and the world was just as black and white as two people in love with one another and the pain in Armin’s chest spikes again and he remembers how he involuntarily stole that love away.

It’s not enough for Reiner, he wants more, he _needs_ more, and Armin can feel it too. They’re both fumbling with the buttons on each others pants, desperate to free their aching cocks. Reiner manages Armin’s fly with surprising ease and it leaves Armin wondering how much practise he has at this, how many desperate jerk off sessions he’s shared with someone else outside of his memories. 

Reiner has to shimmy out of his pants some more so that Armin can properly grasp his dick, and god, it’s bigger than he remembers. Armin accounts for the fact that his hands are a lot smaller, but even in Bertholdts memories it was still a considerable size. Armin’s very aware that Reiners hand engulfs his cock almost entirely and tries not to feel self conscious. But by the way Reiner is moving his hand, he indicates he doesn’t care about their size difference at all, making him gasp at the way he manages to stroke him from tip to base all at once. 

He’s intimidated by Reiners size and skill but he knows exactly what Reiner likes. He thinks about how Bertholdt would touch him, how to let Reiner know what he’s thinking right now, and that this exchange means more to him than just desperate wanting, a need to touch someone else. He jerks his wrist upwards and slides his thumb to the underside of Reiner’s cock, pressing just below his slit and starts to move his thumb in fast circular motions

Reiner lets out a moan so loud Armin knows that other people in the tents around them heard, but he’s too far gone to care. It feels like Bertholdt’s hand is pressed over the top of his own, coaching him, guiding him, and he cant help but moan at that, in a way that makes him feel pleasure and disgusting guilt all at once. From the way he’s touching Reiner his breathing and his whimpering are getting louder, more careless. They’re both gasping for breath, breathing hot air into each others mouths and it’s making both their heads fuzzy, high off the adrenaline and not being touched in so, so long. 

Armin can feel that Reiner is close, the movements of his hand on Armin’s cock are getting lazier as he lets himself be overcome with pleasure, revelling in the memory of being touched in a way that reminds him too much of his lost lover. Armin’s losing control too, he’s searching for something that will tell him how Bertholdt would usually make him come, but at this point his head is just full of Reiner, Reiner, _Reiner_ , and Armin is dizzy from the sensory overload. 

He takes both their erections in hand, pressing them together and moving his hand up to rest just under the heads of their cocks, jerking his wrist as quickly as he can in his hazy state, their precum leaking, mixing together, dripping down over Armin’s fingers. He feels their nipples brush together as they both seek to get closer, for more, that final push over the edge. 

Armin pulls away from Reiners open mouth to bite down where his shoulder meets his neck again and with one last pull, Reiner is coming. He’s whimpering, moaning, and it’s not Armin’s name that falls from his lips but _‘Bert… Bertholdt, fuck, Bertholdt…_ ’ and Armin feels full of shame as he comes hearing Bert’s name panted into his ear, memory tipping him over the edge, spilling into his hand and cum mixing with Reiners against their stomachs.

He lets his breathing settle down, pressed close against Reiner, feeling the rise and fall of his chest. He wants to stay in his embrace, he wants to forget about the outside world and their responsibilities, he wants to feel like Reiner is his and he is Reiner’s and no one can remove them from this moment. But that’s another memory he feels like he’s stealing and he pushes those thoughts away; the guilt he was trying to hold back is welling up inside him and Armin realises a tear has escaped down his cheek.

He peels himself away from Reiner’s warmth, searching for his forgotten shirt in the darkness, the sudden urge to remove himself from the intimate moment he invaded. He can’t bring himself to look at Reiner right now, he doesn’t even know if the feelings of want and lust he’s feeling towards Reiner are even his own and he’s so confused. He feels lost and just wants to crawl back to his own tent and forget this ever happened. He’s overthinking, he knows he is, but damn it he just feels so selfish and stupid for forcing himself on Reiner like this, for taking from Reiner like this… is that what even happened? He knows Bertholdt’s memories don’t belong to him, and it was wrong of him to ever open that door.

Armin’s sniffing away his tears, reaching to put his boots back on when Reiner is grasping at his shirt at the back of his shirt again and the pull feels as pathetic as Armin does.

“Wait… stay…” Reiner repeats his line from earlier, and Armin turns finally forces himself to look back at Reiner, only to see tears running down his cheeks too.

“Reiner…” Armin begins, but his name gets caught in his throat, not sounding the same as it does in his memory, his voice too high, intonation all wrong, and he knows it’s not the sound Reiner wants to hear.

“No… I want _you_ to stay, Armin,” Reiner says, his voice coming out so weakly and he sounds desperate, like he doesn’t want to be left alone. Like he cant be left alone, and fuck it if Armin doesn’t want to stay… 

“Please…?” And it breaks Armin’s heart to hear Reiner beg.

He sighs, letting himself blink the tears out of his eyes as Reiner opens his arms for him. He abandons his boots at the door, crawling back into Reiners embrace so they might cry together. 

“I’m sorry…” Reiner begins, and Armin’s not sure what he’s apologising for but accepts it wholeheartedly. “I really did miss you, Armin.”

“I’m the one that should be sorry,” Armin chokes out and Reiner presses a soft kiss to the top of his head, stroking his hair and armin wraps his arms around Reiner even more tightly than before, “I’m glad I could spend this last night with you…”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, and even if you're not open to this pairing, thank you for giving it a chance ❤️
> 
> You can find me on twitter @windastur & some art I've drawn for this fic is [here](https://twitter.com/windastur/status/1361691839678545925?s=20) 🍃


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